I’m going to start out by saying that none of what you are about to read is about anyone that you know online or anyone you’ve met or anyone I’ve talked about, so don’t start speculating that you know this person. I can guarantee that you don’t. Literally about 5 people I know have met this person and they don’t read my blog so… moving on.
I have a very close friend who is in a relationship. He met a girl about 6 months ago. He liked her and they kept in touch. He went to see her roughly once a month and then at the beginning of January they decided to step things up and see each other more often and see if they could turn things into more than what they previously were. One important thing I’ve left out is that she lives 3 hours away from him. (He just moved last weekend – prior to his move it was 8 hours)
I would like to see your honest opinions of what you’d do in his situation. What questions would you ask? Would you run? Would you stay and sort it out? What would you do? What advice do you have for him?
Buckle up, put on your crash helmet and hang on. Here we go….
He met her one night while traveling in a bar at a hotel he was staying in. They got chatting for hours and at the end of the night she gave him her number. He thought she was cute and the conversation was good so he kept in touch with her. The girl is married with two young children. She is estranged from her husband, but they’re not divorced. He’s moved out of the house, but I’m not sure when that happened.
My friend has been the one to drive back and forth to see her. He’s been the one who always seems to be going out of his way for her. (Each visit costs him $200 between his hotel room for the night and gas) She understandably can’t just up and leave to see him for the weekend because of her children. I wonder if this will always be the way. Even after she’s divorced will she be able to take the children out of the county where her and her husband lived? Divorce laws vary by county in the state she lives in. And they do NOT recognize legal separations. They’ve been keeping their relationship behind closed doors until she speaks with an attorney (this week) to find out the consequences if her husband does find out she has a boyfriend. The way I see it, since her state doesn’t recognize legal separations, it would probably be viewed as adultery. Could this possibly jeopardize her custody situation? I’m not sure. While we’re on the issue of her kids, how easy is it going to be for my friend to raise someone else’s kids? Will her ex-husband make it a living hell for him? My friend obviously can’t even meet these kids to see what they’re like. (Don’t get me wrong, I totally understand this, it’s not healthy for kids to meet everyone their Mom or Dad dates until it’s serious)
She seems to communicate with him most often by text messaging. Picking up the phone and calling him seems to be a foreign concept for her. He’ll send her a text at 7AM and he might hear back from her by 2 in the afternoon if he’s lucky. She’ll ask him to text her when he gets home after work so she can call him. He’ll send the text at 7:15PM and not hear back from her. She’s used the excuse over and over again that she fell asleep with her kids. That excuse is getting really old and tired…. This is the first month the two of them have been dating more seriously and she doesn’t seem to care about communicating with him. When she DOES communicate it’s always sweet, nice and flattering, it’s just getting her TO communicate that’s the problem. She’s asked him to let her know when he’s home from work so she can call, he’s passed up dinners to wait for her call that never comes. He really likes her and didn’t mind sacrificing some time with his buddies for her, but he DOES mind it when she couldn’t be bothered to call. She paints a really pretty picture with her words and flattery, but she doesn’t seem to back it up with actions. You know the old adage “Actions speak louder than words.” My friend is willing to drop everything and pick up that phone and make time for her whenever. Again, he’s going out of his way for her. But it’s getting to the point that he feels like he’s 10th or 12th on her list. I understand that her children are first, as they should be, but he should be right up there at the top with them. He doesn’t feel like he’s important to her because she’s not showing it…. He talked to her a few weeks ago that she needed to step up her communication skills and this is how it’s been since then.
Is she just playing head games with him?
Does she want to be chased?
Is that why her communications skills SUCK??
She seems to have a lot of time that’s unaccounted for.
What’s she doing that she can’t call or text him?
My friend mentioned to her at one point that he wanted to join the rest of the world and go out and get a laptop. He works with computers all day long so the last thing he wants to do when he gets home is play around on the computer. He’s been thinking about it though. When he told her this her response was “What, are you going to go and get a Facebook account too?” (and she wasn’t saying it in a joking way) She said that she likes that he’s not online. (I’m not sure if she’s worry he’ll cheat on her, catch her online, or be hit on by other women??) She did tell him that she has a MySpace that she rarely uses. What she failed to mention is that she does have a Facebook with a decent number of friends. We don’t know if she goes on it often, but isn’t it kind of hypocritical? I’m not saying she has a ton of friends – in fact she’s got nothing compared to me, but the point is it’s pretty shitty to make it clear she doesn’t want him on there when she is.
Every time they’ve met up since the night they met, they’ve met at a hotel in the town where she lives. They hang out there and don’t go out in public because they don’t want to run into her ex or someone that could tell him. So one weekend he went with her to a football game out of town. It’s the first time they were ever really in public together. She spent pretty much the whole game flirting and heckling a guy who was sitting in front of her. She ignored my friend. He almost walked out of the stadium and went home. When he finally confronted her about it, she didn’t understand why he was upset. That would have been a deal killer for me. Disrespect is a HUGE deal killer for me. For my friend it usually is too. This girl played it off that she didn’t think it was a big deal. The guy she was talking to was cheering for the other team and she was having fun. If it was me and I hadn’t seen my boyfriend in weeks, I would have spent the whole time talking to him because I hadn’t seen him in a couple weeks. But that would be me….I wonder how she’ll behave in public next time they go somewhere? I hope she learns from last time….
He made a comment on one visit that she could be cheating on him and he wouldn’t even know it because he lives so far away from her. Her response was “When would I have the time?” That sounded like a very evasive answer to me. My response would have been something like “I have you, I don’t want anyone else, and you’re the guy for me and the only one I want.”
A big concern that my friend has is that from what he sees this girl has never had an example of a healthy relationship in her life. Her Father left when she was young and her parents divorced. Her Mom remarried and got divorced again. She’ll even admit that she knew she was making a mistake the day she got married and referred to her marriage as “lust at first sight.” She’s never had a healthy relationship to model herself after…. This girl is 35 years old and loves to watch The Real World and Jersey Shore. Isn’t it time to get interested in something a little less juvenile? I have friends who watched Jersey Shore and asked if they can have that hour of their life back. My friends concern is that the more you watch crap like that on TV you get desensitized. You start to think that cheating and treating people like crap is ok and it’s a way of life. When he brought this up to her she told him to watch Sex In The City if he wanted to understand women. Seriously? I think a comment like that is the kiss of death for this girl. My friend is an old fashioned kind of guy. He’s got manners, morals, and values. He doesn’t treat women like objects. Is this guy watches that show, he’s going to think all girls are like Samantha who’s out getting laid with a different guy every night of the week. That is not what this guy wants to see. He doesn’t need to see Carrie go out with one guy and go to a bar and make out with another guy. Saying women are like what you see on Sex In The City is not the way to get to this guys heart. (And for the record I LOVE SITC, but I’d never tell a guy that’s what all women are like and what all women want!)
This girl is good to him face to face. She can carry on a great conversation when they’re together and she’s got his attention. Something about her made him notice her. The problem for her is that his attention is waning…. He went to see her last week and was going to lay a lot of these issues he has with her out on the table among others (YES there are OTHER issues on top of all these) but when he got there she had cooked him a nice dinner and brought it to the hotel, so he felt bad about coming into that with an ambush and didn’t bring it up. He also didn’t want to stress her out a couple days before she’s going to talk to an attorney because he realizes that talking to an attorney will be stressful enough. He cares about this girl quite a bit, he says they do have some stuff in common, but I feel like she just doesn’t know a thing about him. If she did she wouldn’t be behaving the way she is.
My friend is honestly one of the sweetest, nicest guys on God’s green Earth, but he’s the rebound guy. (She says she hasn’t dated anyone since her husband) He’s a great guy, he isn’t controlling, he thinks that both parties in a relationship should be making decisions together, but she seems to be wearing the pants and controlling where this relationship is going at the moment and in my friends words “No cat will ever walk this dog.”
As I’ve talked to him I’ve come up with tons of unanswered questions. Obviously my first one is security. My friend makes good money, has a house, nice car, a few expensive toys on the side… Could she just be looking for a soft place to land? A sugar Daddy to take care of her and her kids? Or does she really care about him because he’s a great guy and how he makes her feel? My friend puts his girl up on a pedestal. Since he started noticing all this stuff he’s knocked her down a bit, but he still treats her wonderfully through it all. He doesn’t want to become a doormat though.
Another concern is if he sticks it out with her somehow and then she gets her divorce will she leave him in the dust and ride off into the sunset with some other guy now that she’s free of her marriage?? Having been through a divorce myself I’ve explained to my friend that she will be a different woman after all is said and done. I know I went in one way and came out the other side much harder, less trusting, annoyed much easier….
I worry quite a bit about my friend. (Hence this being the longest blog I’ve ever written) There are questions sprinkled throughout this whole situation. I worry that if he breaks up with her though without getting some sort of closure will he forever wonder what would have happened if he stayed?
What are your honest opinions of what you’d do in his situation?
What questions would you ask?
Would you run?
Would you stay and sort it out?
What would you do?
What advice do you have for him?
Thank you for reading this! I know it was long winded and I REALLY appreciate it.
Please subscribe and comment.
I’m not gonna read this whole thing, but I got to the point at the football game.
He needs to leave. She might be separated or she might not, but she is still married. There are many more women out there, and unless he is super young, he needs to let the girls chase him, or at least show that he’s a priority for her…
If this guy was my friend, I’d demand to see his mancard. He’s acting like a pussy here and he’s being disrespected because he’s allowing himself to be disrespected.
Nope, he’s not super young… He’s in his late 30’s.
I’m with you 100% on the disrespect Luke.
Thanks for your input!
I’m glad you piped up too, I mentioned you to him today in my conversation with him while we were on another topic….
haha yeah football game was enough for me too, and 100% agree on the mancard, and I think I can say that even putting my cynicism aside.
Rose … another old adage: You can lead a horse to water, but …
He’s been led to the water, he’s been drinking, the problem is I think the water’s polluted and I hope he lives to tell the tale….
Hi Rose,
I think your friend should be done with her. Didn’t you say the husband still lives with her? My sister went through this a few years back and her then husband was with another woman. God only knows what he was telling the other woman, but he certainly was not wanting to leave my sister. In fact when she found out he was cheating she asked for a divorce and he begged her to stay. Thankfully she is rid of him.
Your friend is more than likely being led on. Why go see her if they cannot even go in public? There are so many unanswered questions in this girls life and I think he would be better off not finding out the answers. I am sure there is another girl who is more worthy of your friend’s attention. It sounds to me like she has no intentions of actually going through with the divorce and maybe the husband does not even know that she is on the prowl.
Tell your friend to run and not look back! He is going to be much better off in the long run!!!
Hi Diona,
No, the husband doesn’t live with her anymore. We just don’t know how recently he moved out. Was it 3 years ago or 3 months ago. She hasn’t said and he doesn’t want to bring it up to ask. It has crossed my mind that this woman said her husband moved out and that he’s still there though.
It does seem like my friend is being led on. I agree, I don’t think it’s worth taking the time to find out the answers to the questions.
It just seems to invite more heartache. The is another girl out there more worthy of him for sure. I don’t know that she doesn’t intend to go through with her
divorce, but usually they don’t go smoothly or quickly.
Thanks for the comment Diona. I hope when he reads all these that they make him wake up a bit 🙂
Deonne Dixon wrote:
That’s easy. Buh-Bye. The woman is toying with him. She’s more than likely just cheating on her husband, and not seperated at all. I wouldn’t bother with the questions if I were him, I’d just get the heck out of THAT quickly.
Trust me, I’ve been down the road of married before when they ‘supposedly weren’t’. This is screaming trouble. XO’s to you.
The girl needs mental help! Flirting at the football game, maybe she was trying to make him jealous or something, but still not cool. If your looking for advice and can’t figure it out on your own, that’s a bad sign. She has a commitment issue and he has a fear of being alone. You need to communicate about any issues asap.
What’s wrong with having a facebook account? Hiding it is worse than not having an account. That’s being very secretive, and if its because of the legality of her issues, then she needs to settle that first before anything else happens.
I’m really interested in what the “other” issues not mentioned.
Otherwise…I say, bye bye birdie!!! And good luck!
I think he can figure it out on his own. I kind of reflect alot of what he tells me back to him. I’ve been trying to help him to sort through his thoughts.
I think she does have a commitment issue. Hell she can’t even commit to making a phone call when she sets the time. He doesn’t have fear of being
alone, but it’s rare for him to find a girl that he likes, and this girl has got his attention for some reason. This guy’s alone not because he has to be,
it’s because he chooses to be. Trust me on this one. Women drop at his feet. (Though he doesn’t see it….)
Nothing wrong with having a FB account if you ask me, but I agree, hiding it isn’t good. She didn’t really hide it or lie about it, she just failed to mention it….
I’m huge on communication in a relationship and she can’t seem to handle communication in it’s simplest forms, how will she handle it during conflict?
Thanks for weighing in on this Gino 🙂
Hi Rose,
Wow…Scary to say this all sounds so familiar!
I don’t know that she’s necessarily playing “conscious” headgames w/ your friend, but needless to say, that’s what she’s doing. As for her not having any role models to follow after in relationships, I don’t think that should have anything to do with it. We all choose to follow our hearts and/or our minds. Using her previous family situation is just a cop-out in my opinion. Yes, at some point you’ll think about what happened to your parents or whoever and what happened…but we lead our own lives, we make our own decisions, be them good or bad decisions. Smart thing to do is to move on, make your life as good as you can.
The football game…Well, let me just say that if someone does that do you, you’ll get upset and it puts you right on that edge, ready to walk, but if you’re enamored w/ them, even the disrespect isn’t enough to make you walk away. Been there…kills you, but you somehow figure out a way to rationalize what they did in your head. That goes for all the missed phone calls and poor communication. In a way, it’s disrespecting yourself.
It will take time before it all sinks and and finally puts him at that “do or die” situation. When it gets there, he won’t leave wanting closure, but he’ll leave resenting her. So the longer he lets this go on, the harder he will be making it on himself to get out. It’s hard when your in the situation to know when to get out. But in my humble opinion it sounds like it would be his best move up to date. At the very least, he should lay low and let this woman and her husband see this separation thing through to it’s final destination. If his seeing her would jeopardize her keeping her kids in a divorce, then it would only be something that she would be able to hold over his head at a later time. Not a good way to start off a new relationship.
If he’s a good friend of yours, then I’m sure he’s really a terrific guy. So sorry to hear that he’s going through all of this! If this is something he really wants then he needs to come out of the shell and tell her straight up how he’s feeling about the way she’s been treating him and about the secrets she’s keeping. It’s hard to be tough in that kind of situation, but it’s the only way he’ll be able to find out how she truly feels about him. Whether he’s the “sugar daddy rebound” or someone she wants to spend the rest of her time w/ and share her kids with. Hopefully, if she really does care about him this could shake her up, or at least wake her up and make her see that it’s not all about her, that she needs to put forth the effort if she wants it to work. If she doesn’t care enough to make the relationship work from both sides, then it will never work, even when/if she gets divorced.
Hope this helps, sorry it was so long!
I agree, I’m not sure that her head-games are conscious, but I still think she’s playing then….
I think what I meant by the role model thing is more like she doesn’t know what a functioning healthy relationship should be like.
Her heart might not tell her to treat her man with respect because she’s never seen someone around her do that.
I’m not saying it like she should be looked down on because of the sins of her parents, that’s not her fault. But I don’t think she’d
know a healthy relationship if she tripped over it.
As far as the football game, he didn’t rationalize it in his head, but she sure did. I’m still not sure she understands that what she did that day was disrespectful even after it was explained to her.
I have a feeling that he will end up resenting her. He started telling me about her and was calling her “this girl” and by the end of our conversation last night it turned into “this bitch” and that’s out of character for my friend. For him to get to that point she has definitely rubbed him the wrong way. So hopefully he’s realized, especially now that it’s morning and he STILL hasn’t heard from her. I’m hoping though all the comments on this blog will be the last nails in the coffin for him. He know that he needs to move on from this girl I think, but he for some reason seems to be looking for reassurances I think….
As far as laying low and waiting until the separation blows over, that could literally take YEARS!! My friend is not the type to wait around that long….
Melinda, he really truly is a terrific guy. Honestly one of the best I know and that’s saying alot. He’s right up there with your brother in fact and we all know how wonderful he is 🙂 He has stepped to the plate and spoken to her about the communication issues and the disrespect at the football game. They put the issue of the game to bed (though I still don’t know that she GETS it) and the communication talk obviously went in one ear and out the other. I don’t think there’s any way he’ll be able to find out for sure if he’s the “sugar daddy rebound” or not. She’d never admit to it. She does need to realize it’s not all about her. My friend can be wonderfully supportive and usually puts everyone before himself, but he’s quickly learning in this situation he needs to be looking out for #1 and that’s out of character for him.
My take is that if she can’t put in the effort when it’s the first solid serious month they’ve dated, before she starts her divorce, etc. How she’s going to handle it once the stress starts and the shit hits the fan??
Thank you thank you for the wonderful comment. I’m GLAD it was long, you had alot to say!! Thanks for your input Melinda. Who knows, maybe next time I’m down to see my friend I can convince you to take a little roadtrip since he’s closer to where you live than where I live….
The football game was the deal breaker for me. If she is like that in the beginning of the relationship, it will only get worse as time gos on. He needs to back off. If it’s meant to be….then it will be, but there are too many obstacles in this relationship to continue on this way. And I definitely think her having a boyfriend during her marriage could cause her custody problems. If her husband has a good attorney, she could lose the kids. I’ve seen it happen.
I agree Carla. I honestly would have walked right out of that football game. They’re in the honeymoon phase and it’s this bad already!
I agree, she could very well be causing herself custody problems. I’ve seen it happen as well!
Thanks for commenting Carla! I love that you can marry people but you also realize the pit falls when it fails….
RUN.. RUN FAR AWAY.. problem is: she’s playing the man’s game and she’s doing it effectively..
Rose’s friend: she doesn’t care enough. chalk it up as a loss and get out of the situation before her kids start calling you daddy and you’re supporting her b/c she doesn’t get anything in the divorce b/c she cheated on her husband with YOU. Then you’ll feel @ more fault and you’ll be stuck with someone who makes you miserable for life. And he doesn’t sound like a guy who will get a divorce (unless I didn’t read that part.. pardon for my skimming partly)..
he also needs to go and live his life and not “wait” for her calls. that means she’s “won this game” and he needs to grow a pair and hang out with the people who really care about him.
the online thing is another tip. i don’t like it when guys are as geeky online as me.. that means they could technically stalk me better than i, them. does he own any property? is any of his life online that’s published and public? if she’s smart, she could know his net worth already.
get over her. the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
k
I agree, she IS acting like most guys do. She’s doing all the things that men do that make women’s blood boil!!
Yes, my friend is the type that probably won’t ever get divorced. Especially if children are involved.
I’ve told him to stop sitting by the phone. He just moved and has a bunch of friends that I’m sure are thrilled he’s back home.
I want him to get back around the people that DO care about him.
LOL – This guy as great as he is with computers at work, probably wouldn’t know where to begin to online stalk. The funny thing
is that my friend DOES NOT EXIST online. I can’t find one shred of ANYTHING online about him. Trust me, I looked. I found stuff about her though.
Not a ton, but a few things. Doubt she knows his net worth but he told her something that made her know he’s nowhere near being a pauper….
I gave him hell over that. I told him to tell girls that he digs ditches for minimum wage. Leave it at that. Later on let them be surprised….
Damn girl, he’s such a good guy he wouldn’t get under another girl to get over this one. THAT’S how un-typical he is. It’s just not his style….
Can you believe this girl is DUMB enough to mess up something with a guy that is that great??
Thanks for weighing in Kristen, I really appreciate it!!
I don’t need to write a massive response, because I could. I think this happens way too often, and even without the added separation and children. This woman has issues, no matter what size and I think that while she may like your friend, he’s there to make her feel good about herself and her situation. To fall back on to talk and see when she needs him. But not when he needs her. There is just too much sketchy-ness surrounding this whole relationship. And I think your friend is like many of us, we make excuses because we want to think that its the one, that things will work out.
He needs to find someone that will give as much as he gives, and with out the added baggage. I’m not saying dating someone w a divorce or children is bad, but if you dont know how to balance that or make it work then it just adds to the negative column. The attitude, the non-mature actions the drama. Who needs that?
If she is “really” worth fighting for then, have him do that, stand up and say what he needs to stay. But so many times I have seen friends, or even myself think well if I just try to talk to them, or get them to see blah blah they will change. Too many people spend so much time trying to beat a wall trying to make it into a door. If he just turned around and walked away he might see there are so many other possibilities out there.
I think everything you are feeling and thinking for your friend is true, and right. He’s still young, and seems like a great guy. He doesn’t have to rush he will find someone that can actually be good for him. Don’t settle for something you “think” may be good for you, when you have the rest of the world out there.
I’m sure this is pretty much like whatever one else has said, but theres my 2 cents! 🙂
I agree with you. I think this girl is insecure and loves the fact that my friend is a good looking successful guy who happens to pour on the charm and make her feel like a princess. You can be in a crowded restaurant full of gorgeous women and my friend will make you feel like you’re the only 2 in the room. I think she views him as a support crush. He’s someone good to pass the time with and get her through her current situation. I agree, there are too many questions and too much sketchy-ness for a relationship this new.
I wish he could find someone who gives as much as he gives. He deserves it for sure. I’ve told him that I’ve learned from my experiences to NEVER date anyone who’s married (obviously) or separated. Single or divorced are fine. Married is bad for obvious reasons. But separated is always the DRAMA ZONE. Things never run smoothly. (Though I know one person that seems to have a drama free separation, but it’s a white elephant)
There are a ton of negatives on this girls side for sure.
Maybe I need to put it to him this way. I’ve asked him if he could see himself marrying her (I know it’s early) and he said “No, not the way she’s acting” but I should ask him “Can you live without her.” You know the saying “Don’t marry the one you can live with, marry the one you can’t live without.”
I fully believe that the perfect woman for my friend is in his future but it sure as hell isn’t this girl. He is a wonderful guy.
Thanks for your 2 cents Emily! It’s greatly appreciated 🙂
It doesn’t smell right at all. There are too many factors at play here hinting at something fishy going on. My advice to your friend is to break it off and don’t look back. Even if she’s being honest about everything, she doesn’t sound like someone who has her act together or is capable of being in a healthy relationship. Your friend may like her, but he needs to stop and really think about how much he is willing to sacrifice both materially and emotionally for someone who clearly isn’t likely to do the same for him.
I’ve said that as well. This girls actions may be totally innocent, but at the same time they drive you insane and they just don’t add up to behavior that’s usually exhibited when you really really like someone. It just doesn’t add up. It’s quite obvious she doesn’t have her act together, and it doesn’t sound like she ever did. I don’t like that he seems to be the only one sacrificing… You hit the nail on the head Bill. Thanks for the comment!
I only had time to read the first few paragraphs. Easy answer. Get out now and fast. She’s not divorced and even if she was, he’s her first relationship out of the marriage. She needs time alone to mature into someone who is capable of a relationship. She’s already proved herself inept. Buh bye.
I agree – Rebound=RUN RUN RUN!!
Well I think we all know what he SHOULD do! But lets face it, your heart speaks louder than reason sometimes, even though you know in your head it is wrong thing to do! I am going to give my opinion as a once divorced woman with 2 young children. I don’t know how long this woman was married, but I was married for 10 years and married very young. When I got a divorce…I wanted to have FUN! And I did! I had a steady “friend” and then some! I couldn’t imagine going from a marriage to a serious relationship. While your friend lives so far away, I am sure she is having her fun! I know I would! But the difference is I wouldn’t lead your friend on thinking we were anything else than friends. I feel really bad for your friend. His heart is going to be broken no matter what it seems like. But I would rather have my heart broken now than later. Apparently he is a great guy and he deserves as much back as he gives. This woman is not ready for a serious relationship! He needs to end it now. Or go back to just being friends and enjoy each others company as just that. Good luck to your friend! I hope he find a woman who will treat him right.
I think at this point he knows in his heart that he’s not going to be happy. This girl is too different and would have to change so much and you never should need to change someone. Adapting is one thing, changing is another…. Your situation was a little different. She would have been in her late 20s when she got married. But I agree, she may come out the other end of this divorce and want to be a Party Girl. I do feel like she’s leading him around by a leash and I don’t like it. I agree, he is going to get his heart broken, but I’d rather see it now than 5 years down the road. Thanks for your kind words Lisa. You’re the best!!!
May I also suggest maybe a little unannounced recon mission? How much fun would that be? LOL
LOL – I’ve thought about it! Thought about sending another good looking friend to go in and flirt and see how far it could go….
As I have said over the last week, he needs to run. This girl has shady written all over her. I can only assume that she either still lives with her husband, or is with someone else. A text message takes two seconds to return. Not hours or the next day. The fact that she wont go out in public with him shows this, and the flirting at the football game should have been the deal breaker.
I agree with a few others. If it’s this bad in the beginning, what’s it going to be like down the road. I know that he really likes her, but he needs to let go. This has disaster written all over it. Or tell him to break it off until she can prove that she is divorced.
Something doesn’t add up with this girl. I’m not sure if she’s lying about her husband not living with her or that she’s got someone else. This could just be the way she is. Who the hell knows. But I agree, it takes 2 seconds to return a text. If I can sent a text when I’m stopped at a red light, she can find the time at some point. I’ll cut her some slack on the going out in public for now because she doesn’t know what the legal ramifications will be, but that will change VERY soon as she’s seeing a lawyer soon. The football game situation just makes me angry for my friend.
When you see the house crumbling around yourself you’ve gotta get the heck out.
Rose, none of us “really know” this ladies situation. Your good friend who is going out of his way here…Either he likes the excitement of “not knowing”… which is challenging and intriguing…or he’s a nice guy whose heart has been yanked into a dramatic scene…Or maybe he started out liking the way things were because there wasn’t a need for strings to be attached and he honestly didn’t expect that anything would develop.
I have a best friend who was in a similar platonic sexual relationship with a woman who was not married, but seriously committed to someone else. My best friend wasn’t interested in being in a serious relationship…for him it was all a matter of convenience, he had no idea that he’d fall in love with her. Obviously there are times that men and women get into these situations for this exact reason…they don’t have to make a commitment. Almost always, they’re FULLY aware that the stakes are high…and they know what they’re getting themselves into. It’s all fun and games…an adrenaline rush of excitement…until someone gets hurt.
Your friend should ask himself some key questions here…like what if the situation was different? What if he knew what was going on and everything was going smoothly…would he still REALLY want her? If he had met her and she was completely free, single and/or childless, would things have progressed at all or in the same general direction as they have? Does he want this MORE because of how it is actually going…and if things were working out in his favor…would he still be in pursuit? If he had it, would he still want it?
What we aren’t getting out of a relationship or what that relationship is lacking…always seems like the most important thing and sometimes it is, but sometimes it REALLY isn’t…distinguishing the difference between the two, makes it or breaks it. What we can’t have…we want and this is the exact reason we want it, because we can’t have it. This is why the human race has advanced, it’s instinctual, but that doesn’t always make it good for us.
Yes it’s a proven fact…relationships have obstacles, they have challenges, but if it immediately starts out making you feel like you’d have to be an undercover secret agent to figure it all out…I say, abort the mission.
Hey Shell – this guy is the 2nd option. He is that nice guy who’s been yanked in the drama. He doesn’t like games. PERIOD! He didn’t go out of his way to meet this girl far away on purpose. He just happened to be in this hotel, couldn’t sleep one night and went down to the bar for a beer and they got talking. It’s one of those things that “just kind of happened” I don’t think he thought it would go anywhere with the distance, but when he was with her things were great.
I think (and this is just me talking) that if everything was going smooth, the football game didn’t happen and her communication skills were NORMAL that we wouldn’t be having this conversation. But she’s just put so much doubt and suspicion in his head…. If she were single and childless I think she’d be a totally different person, so it’s anyone’s guess. Chances are if she was single with no kids she’d be a party girl and that’s not really attractive to my friend.
I think his problem is that in his mind he knows what he needs to do, but his heart is still hanging on. The way he describes it is that he gets lost in her eyes and that doesn’t happen too often to him.
I love your analogy! Abort the mission! LOL! (HUGS) Miss you! Thanks for chiming in.
Sounds like WAYYY too much work. 6 months is nothing- he sounds like a nice guy he shouldnt waste his time dealing with her baggage. she sounds so selfish. I don’t think a relationship should be that much work especially in the early stages.
I agree. Relationships are work, but they shouldn’t be THIS much work. 6 months is nothing and really the first 5 barely count because he was only really seeing her once a month and not communicating much. She does seem selfish doesn’t she?
Thanks for the comment Erin 🙂
He needs to walk away, in my opinion…..Especially if he hates drama. My ex had those “unaccounted for” hours too and told me he was working his ass off to pay bills when he was really boinking a waitress for four months….and ignoring the bills which were also in my name (I’m unemployed.) Some people are just self-centered, and those are the people we usually don’t fully get closure from. We have to find closure within. I am sure your friend is strong enough to see this and get through it……because I guarantee the quicker he can get away from this game-player, the quicker he will meet a girl who IS the real deal and he can be happy.
Sometimes we stay because when we first meet someone, we fall for the person they play to be…..Then as the comfort level sets in, and the person starts to become who they really are, we hope so much they will change back to the original person we fell for. This rarely happens. People will only change if they want to change, and who wants to change when they are in control and getting everything they want? He will waste his time like I did….for three years… Your friend can do better and he will!!! It sounds like he is a great guy who has a lot to offer. Perhaps there is a reason he is going through this with her, to maybe realize some better standards and qualities he will be looking for in the next girl. Good luck to your friend!!
Hi Laura, I love your email address! I’ve never seen it before 🙂
He does hate drama, that’s what makes this whole situation so ironic.
Your recent situation does give you a good perspective for my friend. I have a feeling he’s going to need that “inner closure” you mentioned.
I agree, this girl is in control of the relationship right now, who would want to give that up?
He has a ton to offer to the right woman. I do believe that God puts us in shitty situations and shitty relationships to make us truly appreciate
the good ones. Thank you for commenting Laura. I hope to see you around here more 🙂 {HUGS}
I think he should have went with his instincts and trust his gut (like at the football game when he was going to leave).
I believe your friend is a man and has his mancard. He met her at a bar and got the digits and took it further travelling to meet her and getting hotel rooms. He was the victor-the conqueror, A MAN BABY..
Now she controlls the situation..Largely due to her circumstances..Or maybe thats how she is liking it!
She has been locked down with the husband and 2 kids and common sense would tell you she needs to recapture some of the fun shes missed! He is the rebound guy-a a classic example, and its not a bad thing. I just wouldnt expect love and a serious relationship to blossom from the ashes of her recent burned out marriage!
Chalk it up to BAD timing friend. Maybe if you met her a little later after a divorce and her having recaptured some of her youth things would be better..BUT theres the RED FLAG here.. Shes legally MARRIED- If he lives there or not you do not get seriously involved with this woman or any woman in this situation.
DODGE THE BULLET man..There are sooo many signs it seems. Trust yourself-dont try to save anyone-STEP AWAY from the drama/bullshit. Do yourself a HUGE favor. I have started in much better circumstances with women with children and theyve turned out shitty..The odds are against you my friend!! SAVE YOURSELF!
Hey Guy! Thanks for joining the party! I read my friend your comment over the phone. I can just picture you saying all these things.
Common sense does say that this girl is going to want to recapture that fun she missed. He is the classic rebound guy. The problem
is he’s not the type to just be in a relationship to pass the time. If it won’t lead to something real he’s kind of wasting his time. Like
you said, I think it’s unrealistic for love and a serious relationship to blossom from the ashes….
The is married, won’t be forever, but it’s the current situation. I gave him my lecture about not dating people who are separated.
You know my theory on that one. You have entered the “Drama Zone”
Thanks for the comment Guy.
He needs to walk away before his feelings become more serious. She’s toying with him and keeping him just close enough to string him along. She’s hiding something thats obvious. He needs to end it asap!
I agree, she’s keeping him on the string. My opinion is that she’s doing it to have a soft place to land once the divorce goes through.
It is obvious that she’s hiding something for sure.
I hope he gets out before the fire burns down the house around him!
Thanks Darla! Hope to see you in 2 weeks! 🙂
This guy needs to remove his heart from his sleeve and take a step back. I was alot like him at that age, just after my divorce. I even got involved in some very similar relationships. First of all she is still married, so shame on him for even giving her the time of day. Kids involved, even worse. Her stories I don’t buy for a second. She acts exactly how 2 of my experiences acted, everything is cloaked, secret meetings on her terms, no courtesy calls, only available when it suits her, the football game thing, etc.. It’s never going to improve for him and one day he will get the call that she doesn’t want to see him any more and he will find out that someone else is getting what he isn’t. I was a stupid fool, a sap in the highest order. Neither one of them is married or happy today, it could have included me had I married one of them. Don’t run, get a Harley and go as fast as you can from her.
Ya know Rich, that’s a nice way to put it. He does need to take his heart off his sleeve for a bit. I think he’s letting his heart override his mind.
I agree, it’s never going to improve. This weather needs to get better and we should take the bikes on a road trip to sort this guy out!
I love that! “Get a Harley and go as fast as you can from her.” I keep telling him that he’d love upstate NY. 🙂
It sounds like he needs to let her go! My advice to him-RUN!
Thanks Bobby B!
I agree, run run run!
She’s married and that’s NOT going to change!!!! She wants her boytoy on the side that’s the bottom line.
The only difference here is that its the woman stepping out rather than the man but its the same game!!
Well the fact that she’s married will change at some point, but I think she should wait until she’s divorced to move on.
It is the same old game in reverse.
Thanks for commenting Alex 🙂 Welcome!
Wow. He needs to run as fast as he can! Sounds to me like her hubby may still be living with her. Doesn’t her “ex” have weekend visitations with kids? This all sounds TOO fishy.
Hi Sandy,
I agree!
Not sure about the hubby.
The ex still watches the kids at the house while she works.
Not sure how they work the weekends….
Thanks for chiming in!
Hey he totally needs to run, he does not need all the drama and complications that this relationship is going to endure. My advice never get involved with a married woman, she will use the both men for whatever they have!
Exactly. I tell my friends who date: Date someone single or divorced. Married is bad for obvious reasons, and separated is the “Drama Zone”
I agree with everyone else that said “Run, run, run” but here are a few specifics. First and foremost, I’d be willing to bet that the husband still lives in the house and I’d go a step further and say that the husband may not even know that she is looking for a divorce. Just by the fact that she is not calling or texting when planned tells me someone is around that is preventing her from doing that. How many times can falling asleep be an excuse? And I would not buy any excuse as to wanting to make sure the ex didnt find out for legal reasons because even if he is physically in the house, it is easy enough to excuse yourself to the bathroom and send a quick text saying you can’t talk. By virtue of the fact that she isn’t dojng even that says alot. As to the facebook page…. same conclusion. I bet the husband and his friends are on that page and that’s why the bf can’t be. And if you are truly getting a divorce then you delete your ex’s access to the page. I had a situation just recently where I’d been getting into something with a guy over the Internet. I found his FB account and when he didnt add me, I asked him about it. He said he hadn’t used the page in a very long time and wasn’t planning on using it again. Weeks later some computer glitch gave me access to his photos and there are RECENT pictures of him and his gf. Later he admits that he did have a gf and they even live together but he thought if I knew I wouldn’t talk to him. Moral of the story…..if they can’t add your to FB, can’t answer the phone, can’t see you in public……..they are HIDING and chances are its from a relationship that is NOT truly over.
It’s funny how everyone is speculating about the husband living there. We’re pretty sure he’s out because other people this girl
works with have mentioned the “Ex” they probably wouldn’t be calling him that if he still lived with her.
I agree with you. What is preventing her from the texts? If I can leave them at a red light, or when I go to the bathroom, or while I’m grocery shopping, etc. so can she. I’ve seen her FB as a non-friend. The only thing I can see if her friends and the ex doesn’t appear to be one of them. The only friends she has in the town on FB are women. Usually when people try to hide a FB it’s for a reason. I doubt she’s actually trying to hide anything with the FB thing, but I just think it’s hypocritical that she has one but doesn’t want him to have one as well. And that was said without her knowing how popular was back in school. I have no doubt that he’d be flooded with friend requests as soon as he signed up. He was a popular guy back in school. Everyone who meets him likes him.
This girl is hiding something for sure. She could just be hiding my friend from the rest of her life, but either way, she’s not being truthful with everyone and that ALWAYS leads to trouble.
Leave and don’t look back.
There are way too many people out there that can make you happy.
Relationships should be give and take from both\all parties involved -especially romantic ones. This situation is all one way and that is not healthy no matter how sweet and wonderful she Can be.
I couldn’t agree more!
Thanks for your input Cam.
Anyway we could get Dan to weigh in?
I bet he’d have some serious words for my friend….
Even if he used your email address to log in and just say it’s him….
Quick immediate response w/o having read the entire blog – she is still married & she is stringing your friend along. Cut & run dude. Cut & run. Gonna go read the entire thing & comment again although I dont know if I’m commenting properly or responding. I’m new to this.
I agree that she’s stringing him along. I think he should cut and run as well.
You’re commenting right, keep reading….
Hotel? How long has this been going on?
6 months. Once a month for the 1st 5 and now they’ve stepped it up since January to see each other more often.
More like one a week now.
I understand the hotel aspect because it’s not like she can bring him to her house because that’s where the kids are,
but still, the situation SUCKS!
She can’t up & leave? Does Daddy not have visitation? Bull schitttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Visitation isn’t an issue YET because she is speaking to an attorney this week for the first time.
I’m assuming Daddy will have visitation, it will depend how far away she can go.
Hell Michael’s daughter is an hour away. My ex’s neice was 3 or 4 hours from their father….
Stranger things have happened….
Tell him to come to dinnre @ my house. He won’t pass my cooking up!
Hell girl, your cooking is awesome. Mine is too! I’d love for him to come up for a visit.
I’m working on him….
You guys would LOVE him!
I’m so far behing this loop I cant & wont read all of it cuz what I am reading is pissing me off!!
All I can say is your friend is an arsehole if he thinks he has something w/this woman. I wonder how much $$$$ she thinks he makes….
I believe from what i have read here she is stringing his arse along – looking for greener pastures….. but he’ll do until she finds them.
MOVE ON!
Rose as smart as you are I can’t believe you have such stoooopid friends. Sorry – not trying to be rude but
HELLO!!!!!!!!!!
it’s so GD obvious what is happening here. Had to say it! Tell your friend there’s plenty of women in the sea & he needs to get over his obsession w/ this cheating, lying; deceptive; filthy; manipulative; leech of a whore bagg. SHE IS USING YOUR FRIEND!
It reminds me of Brians Ex-wife UUUGGGGHHH!!!
I think she guesses he makes alot of $$$$, I’ve told him in the future to tell girls he’s a minimum wage ditch digger or something like that.
He’s not a stupid guy, but he seems to have his head up his ass a bit with this one. Hopefully he’ll pull it out and see the light soon.
His heart is over-riding his mind.
Now tell me how you really feel! I wouldn’t go as far as to call her filthy or a whore bagg, but I know how your mind works….
Nah, she’s not like Brian’s ex-wife, she doesn’t have 5 babies by 5 Daddys…..
I agree with some of the others…..this girl is married (period). Both your friend and this girl are being very disrespectful to her marriage no matter what shape it’s in. Why is the Husband leaving? This IS important because maybe there’s a lack of communication on both of their part. Her story may differ from his as to the reason their marriage is failing. A person’s history has alot to say about their upcoming future. I believe people can change their attitude and behavior but it takes effort, determination and lifestyle adjustments in order to make & see positive changes, something she doesn’t appear to be interested in doing at this time. She hasn’t had stability in her life but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have work on her part to do. It can’t be used as an excuse or else she will never work to achieve and maintain stability.
What we do know is that she has no respect for her marriage (debatable issue I know – but until that divorce is final she should still have enough respect for that person she once loved to NOT be meeting another man in a hotel room), she has no respect for your friend (otherwise she wouldn’t be flirting with other men while he’s around), meeting up in secret at hotels is never a good indication of someone’s character (sorry dude – you deserve someone who wants to be everywhere with you no matter what because love makes you do stupid things), and your friend needs a serious awakening I’m sorry to say.
Who are we all to say what he should or shouldn’t do, after all, he needs to learn from his own mistakes. I do hope he takes the thoughts seriously from people voicing their comments. We see what he apparantly does not.
What your friend I think should understand is that any relationship needs 50-50 effort or else it’s doomed to fail. He’s putting in sooo much effort to maintain this relationship and she not so much. He deserves someone who will treat him with dignity and respect and genuine care when he provides it to her (whom ever that will be). He deserves something more than hotel rooms, he should be walking in the park holding hands or laughing over dinner. What about the children? I would think that if she had the same feelings for him that he has for her, she would want him and her kids to meet each other and to get to know each other. I agree with Kristine …. BS, and I feel sorry for those kids.
As unfortunate it is for him, it’s better for him to find someone who has the time for him, who’s willing to MAKE the time for him and can fully open their heart up for him.
I was hoping you’d show up 🙂 Because you have old fashioned values.
I agree, at the end of the day the girl is married. PERIOD.
I think the marriage ending is kind of a mutual decision the way she tells it. The husband was very young when they married and it was lust, not love.
I don’t doubt one bit that this girls communications skills have contributed to the demise of her marriage. I see how she communicates when she supposedly cares about someone, so how will she communicate when she has a disagreement. I also agree with you about a persons history says alot about their future. People can change, but they need time to evaluate their past. She’s still way to close for that. You’re never going to be able to change during a rebound relationship. No, this gal doesn’t seem interested in the least about making an effort period, no less about changing for the better.
Her lack of stability in her life isn’t something she’s used as an excuse, it’s just something that got noticed by my friend. She doesn’t know how to handle a guy that wants to shower her with affection because she’s used to seeing relationships in ruins around her.
I will clarify a bit regarding the hotel room aspect. He just happens to meet her in a hotel room. I’m not saying she’s hopping into the sack with him. He always has a room because he needs a place to sleep before he drives home in the morning. They hang out there, get take out and talk. I’m not going to say that nothing has happened, but I don’t want to make it out like she’s a hooker either…. But either way, she is married and the divorce papers haven’t been served so it’s nowhere near final.
I agree, I feel like she doesn’t respect my friend. The flirting at the football game was despicable if you ask me…. I wish he would have walked out that day and we wouldn’t even being having these conversations now.
I think you’re right, meeting up in secret isn’t a good indication of character. Love does make you do stupid things….
I agree, we can’t make the decision for him, but I keep reminding him of all the things right in front of him.
He does take this all very seriously. I think he’s hoping there’s some reasonable explanation for it all. But like you said at the end of the day she’s still married.
We can tell him what he might not see.
I disagree with you though. I think that every relationship needs both people putting in 100% on both sides. But I think that’s kind of what you meant. Obviously at this point he’s giving it his all, and she’s just not. He does understand that she needs to put her children first (as she should) but my friend shouldn’t be way down at the bottom of her list if she cares as much as she says she does. I agree, he does need to be treated with dignity and respect. He deserves someone that will genuinely care for him as much as he cares about her. He does deserve more than hotel rooms. I agree with you. When I’m with someone I love I want to be able to shout it from the rooftops and not care! I want to hold hands and kiss my guy and not care who sees….
As far as the children, I can understand her not being ready for them to meet him yet. First, until she speaks with an attorney she doesn’t know if this could affect her custody case. Having kids this young, they could run and tell their Father and the whole thing could explore (again, why you don’t date someone who’s married) but also, until they know for SURE this is going somewhere, I don’t blame her for not wanting her kids to meet him. I remember when Michael and I got together that I wanted to meet Sierra. I didn’t really get to meet her, but he took her shopping and I was nearby and got to watch them interact so I could see what kind of kid she was. I feel sorry for the kids having to go through their parents getting divorced. There’s no doubt in my mind that my friend would be an incredible Father, but it’s always tough raising kids that aren’t yours.
I agree, he needs to find someone that will put in the time and effort. I’ve been in long distance relationships much farther than 3 hours away and put in MUCH more effort than she is. I think this girl is a scattered mess and probably will be for a very long time. It’s sad 😦
Thanks for chiming in Angela 🙂
I’d tell him to run like hell. It sounds like she’s playing him. Unless he looks like Quasimodo he shouldn’t have a problem finding a gal who will appreciate him going that extra mile.
I agree. I think she’s playing some sort of game. And NO he does NOT look like Quasimodo. This guy is a catch!
He is worth every extra mile.
Nice to see you KeyWestie 🙂
So heres my 2 cents. He sounds like someone who could get any girl he wants. And that girls would be delighted to be with. He’s got some kind of spark with this girl, but saying she’s no good for him would be an understatement of gigantic proportions. What she’s telling him may be entirely on the level, but having so many red flags like that sounds like she is hiding not just something, but somethings, and he should RUN not walk the other way. Someone with the maturity level that she is demonstrating is a sinkhole just waiting to happen.
Look around you! Love is not just about the feelings between you, the attraction, but its about TRUST. From what I see, she hasn’t earned trust yet. Nor does she seem likely to.
He for sure is. Any girl would be thrilled to have him. The spark is there, but I agree that she’s not good for him.
I agree as well that everything she says could be entirely on the level, but it’s apparent that she’s hiding something(s).
She does seem quite immature and the trust just isn’t there. And once a person is behaving like this and you lose trust
it’s very hard if not impossible to gain it back.
Sorry I’m late to the game, yesterday was fantastically busy and topsy turvey.
He needs out. Now. Not tomorrow, now. I’m not sure what she’s up to, but it’s not kosher and has pain written all over it for your friend.
Thanks “CuteElla”
Better late than never.
I worry about him that he’s going to put himself through the pain, but time will tell.
I’ve stressed to him that if he’s does decide to stay he needs to keep his EYES WIDE OPEN….
I hope he doesn’t stay though….
There is another girl for him.
Slade’s “Run Run Away” came on this morning. Made me think of this situation. Yeah, he needs to break it off and not look back.
LOL! Who sings that song? I know I’ve heard it!!
I agree….
Okay, here’s my $1 worth. First of all relationships that start with cheating end in cheating. And if u are still married its cheating. And if she can do it the husband, she can do it to anyone. Secondly, anyone who makes u do all the work with everything, screw that. It takes 2 to make everything work.
Rose you and I have discussed this. And I stand by this he needs to leave and find someone who will give as much as he gives. Who will love him as much as he loves. Who will not flirt, disrespect, cheat, lie, bullshit or anything else.
Relationships don’t work like this. Its pretty much comfort for her. Can he guarantee she will stay with him once the divorce is final? Can he even guarantee she will definitely leave her husband?
I hope he walk before the scars of hurt get much deeper. Run for the hills and don’t look back….
Wow! Most people have given 2 cents, you give us $1 you must really love us!
I agree with you to some extent, if the guy has been out of the house for a year though, is it technically cheating in the sense of
“You’re still married” YES, but it’s not like she’s going home to a husband and acting like everything’s happy happy joy joy.
The big issues aren’t so much with the fact that she’s married.
The fact that the relationship seems to one sided is the big issue. Like you said, it takes 2 to make everything work.
Yes, he does need someone that will give as much as he gives and she doesn’t seem to be showing him she’s that person.
Obviously there are no guarantees in any relationship, but I’ve brought that up to him. Is he going to be her crutch to get her through the
divorce and then ride off into the sunset on the back of some guys Harley and leave him in the dust? I honestly don’t think she’s making up
the part about her husband moving out. My gut tells me she’s being truthful about that.
I agree, get out before the scars get too deep.
Thanks for giving your $1’s worth!
Miss you!!
First, I’m sure your friend appreciates your desire to help, but I have to say that it is obvious what your opinions are of this situation. It sounds like you’re looking for people to back you up so you can say, “See? You need to leave.” when it’s really up to him. It’s hard to see friends make choices that are hurtful to themselves, and as a friend I have always wanted to see my friends happy. But I have learned that people make the choices they want and if I care about them, I trust that *they* know what’s best for them and they will learn whatever it is they need to learn. There’s no way I can know what that is.
People who stay in unhealthy relationships typically either:
1) Don’t believe they deserve better.
2) Don’t know how to be drama-free.
3) Are living out some sort of emotional pattern usually having to do with childhood.
or
4) Subconsciously enjoy the adrenaline rush of always being in conflict.
There are two people in this relationship, and while most people are focusing on her, I’d say take a look at him. How someone chooses to allow themselves to be treated says a lot about a person. How can any of us know whether it serves him, now or in the long run? What if this is something he needs to grow in his life? I believe that assuming to know what is best for anyone else is arrogant, and as much as you have described what is going on here, I’d have to say there is no way for any of us to know what is best for him. One of the most painful relationships that I’ve ever had was *necessary* for me to be able to move forward in a very important way in my spiritual and emotional growth. As painful as it was to go through, I would not go back and change any of it; I *cherish* it, even. My friends supported me in my decisions to both be with him, and eventually, to leave him, but I left only after I was ready and could see that it was time to go. I would not have beforehand, and any judgment on their part would have only pushed me away.
If you’re looking at it as “Oh, I don’t want him to get divorced or sacrifice or make mistakes or get hurt,” then that’s an extremely limited viewpoint. Life is ABOUT making mistakes and getting hurt and getting back up again, dusting ourselves off, and continuing on. Whatever her situation, or his, it’s up to them to figure out. If he wants different, then he has the ability to choose that. It has nothing to do with the children, or us, or anyone else, only them. There’s no way to know how a relationship will change us or bring us joy or teach up deep lessons about ourselves or the world. He needs to listen to his intuition and do what’s best for him. For me, that has not always worked out the way I thought, but it has always worked out for the best.
And after reading most of the comments, I wanted to add that NOT all relationships that start with cheating end with cheating. I can speak from personal experience, and if anyone wants to judge me for that, so be it.
I don’t have the same views on marriage (piece of paper, not sure what all the fuss is about), because if people have agreed to end a relationship, that’s their business and the court proceedings are merely a formality of dividing the stuff and progeny.
Your friend seems to have issues with communication, too, it seems.
I agree with you. It depends on the “cheating” situation. Is this girl “technically” cheating, YES, but it’s not as if she’s going home to a husband acting like everything’s “happy happy joy joy” in their marriage. That’s the type of cheating I have no tolerance for. Dating after your husband moves out to me isn’t a big deal…. Maybe I’m biased because I’ve been there….
My friends issues with communication is that he bottles stuff inside and doesn’t come out with it when it’s happening and I’ve made sure to point it out to him. I understand why he’s held some stuff in, but the amount of it is enough to make anyone explode!!
Hi Sara, Yes, it’s been made quite clear to him how I feel about the whole situation. He actually asked me to write the blog to see if anyone would bring up anything we haven’t thought of while discussing his situation. I didn’t need validation really to know that people were going to say “See” because he’s talked to a ton of people who know him who’ve all told him he should run. Ultimately at the end of the day the decision is his and only his to make. I’m quite aware of that. It is hard to sit back and watch a friend stand in the middle of a burning building, but maybe getting burned is what he needs to realize who she is. If that’s the case I’ll be here either way to put lotion on the burns.
There seems to be no rhyme or reason as to why he’s stayed with this girl. The way he puts it is that he gets “Lost in her eyes” when he looks at her and that rarely happens to him. Personally I need much more than that….
You may be right about this being something he needs to do to grow in his life. This may be a “necessary” relationship for him to go through. I’m a big believer that God throws bad things at us to make us truly appreciate the good things in our lives. I’m sure he’s going to grow throughout this relationship for sure, if he stays or if he goes. I have stressed to him that if he does decide to leave, he needs to be ready for it. He needs to get full closure on it. I don’t want him wondering “what if” five years from now.
I do agree that life is about making mistakes, but also about learning from them. Nobody wants to see anyone they love and care about get hurt. I’m sure he’ll be able to pick himself up and dust himself off. He’s got a good support system that loves him no matter what decision he decides to make. I’m one of those people who has always been here for him to bounce everything off of. I haven’t needed to tell him anything he doesn’t already know. These doubts have been here in his mind. I remind him that all the doubts are obviously an issue to him otherwise they wouldn’t exist. It’s funny that you mention intuition, because he and I have talked about gut feelings. His gut and his mind tell him he’s not helping himself by staying. His heart is telling him something else.
I just keep praying that no matter what happens, that the right thing will happen, no matter what it is….
Thanks for your post Sara, you did bring up a few things that are different after 70 posts!
I don’t believe that it’s possible for the right thing to NOT happen, whether it seems that way at the time or not. 🙂 Our brains are too little to see the grand design and how it weaves together.
I wish him luck. Decisions of the heart are never easy, but I found that by becoming lost in someone else, I eventually found myself. For me it wasn’t about comparing a bad relationship to a good one but more about finding the strength to set boundaries, being willing to talk about things that are difficult (actually, *especially* when they are difficult), and take care of myself first, because if I don’t take good care of me, then I am incapable of truly helping others. Very little of it had to do with him, it was more that he presented an opportunity for me to make some very important decisions about how I interact in a relationship and what is important to me. It honestly could have been almost anyone that gave me this opportunity; what was key was that I decided I wanted in my life. I couldn’t change him, I could only grow and become more of who I really am and choose what I really want: to be happy. Happiness to me is a good indicator to me. If I’m not happy, then why am I choosing it? There’s almost always something deep down in there if I really look.
But then, I tend to be a bit off the beaten track with some of my views…
You’re right, whatever’s right will happen. C’est la vie.
He is slowly finding the strength to set boundaries, that is a very nice way to put it. He’s getting better about laying his thoughts out on the table as well. I’ve stressed to him that bottling it all up isn’t healthy.
I hope, that like you he chooses to be happy, whatever road that takes him down.
Off the beaten track is never a bad thing Sara.
Ya know, people always wish for big things. They wish for riches, they wish for love, they wish to be beautiful. I can find pit-falls in ALL of those wishes. The grass is greener theory scares the shit out of me. The only foolproof wish I can think of is to wish for happiness. So simple right?
Having been in a similar situation myself with a man who lives 3 hours away AND being separated legally from my husband, I say she isnt ready to take the relationship any further and may be just going with the flow and putting forth very little. Really how much do you know about someone when they live soo far and where is it gonna go? For myself I always thought it would go nowhere as he lives in one place and I in another. He isnt going to leave where his kids are and I cant leave with mine. It all seemed fun but REALLY. I also find in this time of dating that texting seems to be it and not much talking. VERY weird! So now I am seeing a local person who actually calls me! How refreshing! I think your friend should probably end things.
Grrr, I just responded to you and lost the whole thing!!
Okay, let’s try this again…. I agree with you. How much do you really know about a person when they live 3 hours away? When you’ve never been in their house? In my experience the ONLY way a long distance relationship can be successful is if there is a “drop dead date” of when it will no longer be long distance. You need a time frame to look forward to, otherwise the long distance situation could drag on forever! In this situation we doubt she’ll be able to go far because of her children, so my friend would be the one who’d have to move closer.
I hate that dating has gone to texting. To me, texting is for short stuff. A quick “I love you” in the middle of the day, or a quick “Can you pick up a gallon of milk on the way home.” I know that when I’m in a relationship I WANT to hear my man’s voice. Texting just won’t do the trick.
[…] Weekly Big Blog Moments: My Please Help! My friend needs relationship advice blog got almost triple the views of my biggest blog hit day ever! That’s pretty […]
Sorry I’m late to the party.. it’s been a crazy week…
Anyway, I made up my mind before the football game.. maybe I’m too quick to judge, but life is short.
She doesn’t seem to consider their relationship on the same level as he does. There is bad communication skills, and then there is a lack of a desire to communicate. She seems to suffer from the latter, and maybe the former as well.
Maybe she’s stringing him alone because she needs to feel wanted…
Maybe she’s not ready for a serious relationship yet…
Maybe she’s playing games…
Maybe she’s a total headcase..
My feeling: Who cares?
Her motivation isn’t as important as her treatment and lack of consideration for him and their relationship. A relationship is a two-way thing, and when one person is doing all the work it just isn’t going to work in the long term.
If she’s not ready for the kind of relationship he wants, then he either needs to move on or dial back his expectations in a big way.
Hi Mike, better late than never! I was waiting for you as a married guy to comment.
The lack of consideration is what really matters. Since I wrote the blog he saw her for a day and she seemed to be on her best behavior,
but anyone can behave for a day after they’ve been scolded about their communication skills, etc.
I have a feeling he’s going to “dial back his expectations” as you said and then hopefully just work away from her….
Time will tell.
Thanks for coming to the party Mike!!
I got about half way through this and she’s one word…disrespectful. She’s totally playing with him. If I liked a guy that much I would give him the courtesy of at least saying I don’t have time to call. If it’s an issue now, what will it be later on? Too early for that stuff in my eyes.
Hi Laura,
I agree, respect is a huge part of a healthy relationship.
Of course you’d give the guy a courtesy call, people like you and I respect the men we care about.
It will most likely get more down the road.
I agree with you!
Thanks for commenting!
This is a lot of over analysis for something that barely sounds like a relationship. It sounds like your friend has went out of his way to hook up with a chick who may or may not be getting a divorce. Since he’s too “nice” to actually get to the bottom of things and ask questions, he’ll never know.
So what she cooked him dinner and had an appointment with a lawyer three days later? If he can’t lay it all out and figure out if this is going somewhere or not, he’s as much to blame as she is for her evasiveness.
No one can take advantage of you without your permission.
He for sure goes out of his way for this girl. I do believe she will get a divorce, but God only knows how long it will take. Those things never go as smoothly as one would hope. He’s gotten better about communicating questions, but some things he just wishes she’d volunteer without him asking.
I agree, he is kind of giving her permission to take advantage. A downfall of being a nice guy….
Sorry for the late reply. Rose, you know how I am with e-mail and Facebook updates…
I’m not adding anything that hasn’t already been said. However, I think he should be very careful if he continues going forward with this relationship. First, wait til the marriage is completely dissolved. The fact that they’re afraid of being seen in public, etc., should be reason enough to wait. This “waiting time” will give him time to possibly meet some other women and see if he still feels an attraction to her after interacting with some possibly “normal” people.
Even if he decides to continue seeing her before the divorce is final, why not date other women as well? It’s not cheating as long as they both understand they are not “going steady”. He needs to have some possitive dating experiences that he could compare to this mess…
It’s better to show up late to the party than to not go at all right?
I agree with you. A few things have changed since this original post and he’s slowly losing interest in her which says alot.
Him meeting and dating “normal” people has never been an issue. Trust me, this guy doesn’t have a problem getting a date.
Something about this girl though has his interest.
They were dating other people until they decided to step things up in January and it’s been a mess ever since.
Hopefully some things will change.
Some things might be happening with his job where he might not be able to see her for a month or two. Let’s see if she
can handle communication throughout that time….
[…] also need to call my friend who needed relationship advice (my most popular blog to date) to check in with him. I don’t dread that call because I […]
[…] year. You’ve gotten to know some of my friends, you’ve given one of my closest friends relationship advice, you’ve consoled me when a close friend passed away, we’ve talked about bloggers, duck, […]
[…] PLEASE HELP! My Friend Needs Relationship Advice!! […]
[…] Weekly Big Blog Moments: My Please Help! My friend needs relationship advice blog got almost triple the views of my biggest blog hit day ever! That’s pretty […]